Year end 2014

On our Christmas card, we said we were thankful that 2014 was an uneventful year.  The truth was that there were things we don't really want to talk about and there were undercurrents that are too worrisome if we dwell in them.

The new adventure we embarked on is real estates investments.  We finally connected with a good realtor and contractors to fix and sell the old house in August.  C no longer needs to spend 2 hours each weekend to check on it.  I think we set the perfect price, because there was a single bid in 2 weeks at the asking price.  San Jose home prices are supposedly going up, but the time saved and the fact that we were not doing anything with the place makes it a good move.

We bought a house, rather impulsively, in Katy.  Houston is expected to grow by the population of LA in the next 10 years.  Katy is close to energy corridor and we picked the best schools.  The price to rent ratio is 220000 to 1700, better than ca or hi.  But property taxes are high.  We were lucky to find Fernando who was just retiring from Aspentech to spend time in the RE business, through M. Mendez.  He gets engineers and is acting as property manager for us for now.  I hope he works out and we can embark on more adventures out there.  CVX has bought some land out there.  Expansion is more likely in TX than CA, if I stay there.  But moving seems like a far fetched idea given C's field.

A house came on the market in Royal Summit.  It was priced a bit lower than recent houses because it has not been updated.  There is a mango tree, and it cost us 920000!  Still mad at Marty for missing the 800000 house on Mott Smith with 2 mango trees.  Jim is helping coordinate the repairs.  We hope to rent it out, probably to Military expatriates. Of course that plan depends on ongoing military strength and commitment.  I can see us living there, if we spend a bit of time and money to renovate. 

Job-wise, energy companies are going though a down cycle.  Capital is committed, but revenue falls below expectation because of an oversupply.  Everybody made plans to expand, thinking to take advantage of the growing market.  Then the bottom fell out of the market because the growth did not materialize or there is an oversupply.  Why don't they learn?  Every single company is greedy but fails to account for the same responses by the competition - what idiocy.  It is pretty demoralizing to hear about drastic budget cuts several times a year.  At least I was not preparing 4 budgets.  However, I don't really feel like I am growing and I am not challenged.  When was the last time I took up something with an uncertain outcome that I was in a position to shape or influence?  When was the last time when what I was doing actually mattered to somebody?  Maybe I don't seek out those types of challenges because I don't like the stress.  But it does not mean I don't want or welcome it once in a while just to feel alive.

Family-wise.  Dad and mom are getting older and less social.  Diana had another brain surgery and recovery was more arduous than previous 2x.  More radiation is planned.  Great grandma Shigemura passed at 102.  Ranny hold Joey she was his dad's mom and gave away her keepsakes.  I have more or less given up trying for no. 2.  Becky's miracle at 44 ends up in preclamcia and a pile of worries for the development of Micah.  Finally optometrist appointment at the end of the year revealed field of vision abnormalities.  Family history of glaucoma catching up to me.  I too am growing older.

Mentors

People who change the course of a life with one insightful comment.
People who change your life by who they are - I am so lucky to have been associated with them.

In my life, there have been many people who have been generous with their time, sharing their experience, lifting me up, and helping me make decisions when I am at crossroads.

Fred Shair: Chemical Engineering is more versatile than other disciplines
Glen Cass: You will succeed in whatever you choose to do/set your mind to do.  (I took it as a compliment at the time, but realized the universal truth about being passionate later.)
Mark Zahniser: It is not what you work on, but whom you work with that matters.
Christian Seigneur: I work faster when I am stressed.  I write more proposals when the backlog shrinks.
Frances Arnold: Energy is the place to be.
Nikki Blane: I never lived beyond a Senior Engineer's salary, everything else I invested.

Greg McRae: Reinventing oneself and chasing challenges/interests.  If you are good enough, rules can be bent (true for Greg, at least).
Kate Baty: optimism, ability to thrive under extreme uncertainty.
Carleton Miyamoto: acceptance of people, their strength and their flaw.

Rick Flagan: If you don't do research, you will have to work with people.  (I believed him and reinforced my choice about grad school.  He was wrong.  You always have to work with people.)

Choice

Brittany Maynard ended her life with dignity.

Diagnosed with incurable brain cancer,  Brittany Maynard moved to Oregon with her family where death with dignity is authorized.

Some say she was brave to choose to end her life this way.  Others think she was wrong, because what she gave up was not life, but hope.  Yet others question the meaning of courage in this situation: is it brave to choose to die or is it brave to keep fighting despite overwhelming odds?

Each person has to find his/her answer.

For a religious person, faith alone may be enough to keep living and putting every day, every hour in God's hands.

For a practical person, the benefits of an extra day or an extra hour with their loved ones may be worth the pain and suffering.

Everyone who faces these adversities head on is brave.  Those who are in good health have no right to judge, not even a right to an opinion.

One thing for sure, if ever I am in that boat, I would prefer to make my own decision.  I will be the one to judge whether the value of spending an extra day or extra hour with loved ones is worth the pain and suffering, to me and to them, watching.  I will be one to decide whether there is hope left.  I will choose whether to believe in a miracle or die on my own terms. (I will be the one to go to heaven or go to hell.)  No one else should have to make that choice for me; no one else should have to be responsible for my life; no one else should second-guess or regret their choices on my behalf.

May we all be compassionate.  "It is people who pause to appreciate life and give thanks who are happiest. If we change our thoughts, we change our world!  Love and peace to you all." - Brittany's last words.

Ebola - thoughts

Freaking, scary disease.  I read "Hot Zone" many years ago, and was reassured that because the virus is so fatal, the chance of an epidemic actually decreases.  It seems that the virus responsible for this new outbreak has found the right balance of virulence and survivability, killing enough to strike fear and slowly enough for carriers to spread the infection.

Like many people, I take refuge in a continent an ocean away from the center of the epidemic.  But are we truly safe?  One person died on American soil after traveling here from Africa and displaying symptoms after his arrival, only to be turned away from the hospital and given the chance to infect the community.  One health care worker contracted the disease despite wearing a protective suit.  Do we actually know how to stop the virus?  Do people know how to protect themselves while helping the sick?

Stories from Africa are dire.  Kids wondering around after losing their village to Ebola.  Infants licking their dead mothers searching for milk that is no longer being generated.  Is there anything at all we can offer them?  I feel the desperation and helplessness, I cried.  "Oh God!"  But I know from experience there are no answers.  God works in mysterious ways, the religious will always say.  That is not good enough for me.  My faith is weak.  Or worse yet, maybe time is up for homo sapiens.  After we eradicate our traditional natural enemies, something finally evolves to control our growing numbers.

I want to believe in human ingenuity, that some medicine will be developed in time to halt the march of the disease.  That we can be generous and flexible dealing with Ebola as a priority over profits and IP and fame.

I can't even fathom what might happens if Ebola spreads.  All I can do is to clutch my family harder, love my child harder, and hope we can protect each other. 

ebola in west africa

So much suffering, so much anguish, so many deaths, so many broken families.

So many people working tirelessly to give hope to those in despair.

How trivial are our daily concerns about money, jobs, commute, kids peeing in the bed!

New dog - postponed

Foster mom brought Mr. H to visit.

Mr. J was excited about adopting doggie.

Foster Mom informed us that it would be traumatic/confusing for Mr. H to come for a few days and then move again.  The rescue will keep Mr. H until we get back.

Dr. B was disappointed.  Mr. J spent most of the visit ignoring Mr. H and watching iPad, probably giving Foster Mom a bad impression.

Mr. H really took to Mr. C.  

After the visit, Mr. J cried.  "There is a chance we won't get Mr. H after the trip.  It is a bad idea."  Mr. J is such a pessimist.  Dr. B won't have guessed he cared from his behavior.  Or is it possible that he didn't want to bond with Mr. H because he was disappointed that we are not getting him today after all?  

New dog

Today we will welcome a new family member.

Mr. J had wanted a cat, but changed his mind upon learning that cats sometimes eat fish, which might be hazardous to the pet fish.

Dr. B hoped the dog will jump start a somewhat active lifestyle for family.

Dada reluctantly went along.  

None of us has had a dog before.  Are we going to be able to train him?  Are we going to have time for walks, grooming, bathing, cleaning, etc.?  Can we go out?  What happens when we go on trips?  How do we make sure there are no tics and fleas?  What if someone is allergic?

There is no anticipating what the experience may be like until we plunge in.  Kind of like any other new family member.

Mr. J picked out a "cute furry face" from a bunch of rescue dogs needing a home.  Dr. B still does not understand what makes a dog a "pumpkin face" vs. a cute furry face.

Met the dog and his foster moms last week.  It is good for the soul to meet people who are passionate about something so different from our left brain oriented worlds.  They seem to be nice people.  Maybe they can be a good resource on matters related to dogs, I hope.

Excited about a new experience...

Parenthood

6/27/14

Being a mom or a dad changes a person.  That is what I believe.  I never knew that I would care so much about someone else, that I would worry about them when they run a fever, that I would be so very proud when they are able to spell "garden" for the first time, that I would plan a vacation to maximize their happiness with playmates, parks, beaches, vacation rental with a big back yard.

I know the world is full of diversity.  I try to accept people as they are.  I try not to judge.

But how does one not judge the parents who hurt their own flesh and blood?  How does one seek to be compassionate towards people who murder their own family?  How does one understand the people or system (or the need of a system) to stand between those who want a good home for their kids and those who want to give kids a good home?

Sorry, but my acceptance of people who think differently can only go so far.

-----------------------------

Update 7/9/14

Sometimes things happen that shake your believe in humanity.  I wish the police were wrong about the dad who left his 22-month old in his car.  The poor child.  How he must have suffered being tied up in the car seat in a hot car, wondering about his parents...  Why do people do these things?

Lower looping

Sometimes we get into a rut and nothing goes our way.

The human psychology is subject to both positive and negative reinforcement.  So I had to ask "am I lower looping?" Letting negative feelings reinforce themselves?  If so, how can I break out of that and get into the upper loop?

Then I had the realization that my frustration level was building because I kept having to deal with incompetent people.

At work, someone asked the same question the third time.

Another idiot contacted our university collaborator with questions that can be answered internally.

A third idiot wasted our money testing something that was not stable, when I alerted his team of the stability issue a year and change ago and they promised to test it.

Our consultant wasted my time in discussion of a path forward by subsequently proposing to further discuss with the broad team.  Them he had the audacity to call me, not to apologize, but to convince me of his actions and to waste more of my time.

Then I had to deal with insurance, who took away a good driver discount for a minor fender bender, because they paid 18 hours of auto technicians time to repair a $20 part on a 2002 Honda Civic.  So I decided to repair my car.  They did not make a rental order for me because they thought I was not going to repair my car because I thought the other guy had minor damage.  And then they wasted some more of my time to argue that they won't cover my weekend rental, because the shop would start working on the car on Monday. They made me wait while negotiating with the shop, who was nice enough to cover the weekend.  They set up their policies for idiots who apparently loves to spend time in small rental cars.  What about people who work and can't find time to drop off their cars?  Anyways, after spending all the extra time, they 1) refused to address my existence and up the rental under Carleton, and 2) went ahead to pay for the weekend rental.

Then I found out that a city permit is required to install a.c.  Went to the permit office and this idiot wasted half an hour of my time lecturing me about how contractors should apply, not home owners, when the forms state that home owner can and should br resposible for their now homes.  He says that the home owners don't have all the info and printed a five page form to fill out before he issues the permit.  I scanned the form, saw check boxes foe school, office buildings etc and nothing for a residence.  Then noticed the form was for nonresidential buildings.  He apologized fot prong out the wrong form and went to print the equivalent form for residential.  I took a look and asked about the concert of 'disturbed area' for furnace replacement.  He did not know the answer (does this guy know anything)?  His colleague finally told him that there was no extra form for furnace and a.c.   After wasting time, he looked up the contractor and found the license expired.  So I wasted all this time and had to go back to get the permit.

It was not a case of negative reinforcement when I just kept having to deal with incompetent people who couldn't do their jobs and wasted my time.  This begs the question: is it really that rare for people to know their job?  I am not even asking them to be good at it and take pride in it.  I am not going to blame myself for getting into a bad mood if there is insufficient time to recover between dealing with incompetent people.  I do think this kind of bad luck comes in a bunch.  At least I recognizes it now.

I am only human

Sometimes I don't understand myself.  

I don't really want another kid yet it saddens me to be reminded that the clock is ticking.

I don't care about those idiots that I don't even work with, yet they infuriate me by wasting time.  

The left brain thinks. The right brain feels.  It may be more accurate to say my left and right brain don't communicate.

Or maybe it is that stupid id brain, giving those idiots power to tip my balance.

Moving on...

Today is 5/6, not even a month after the Korean ferry disaster on 4/16, and the news coverage has diminished.  (Flight 370 has also left the spot light.) Perhaps it is fitting that we need to move on.  But if God is listening today, please take those innocent souls to a better place and give the families peace. 

Nearly 130 divers are still combing the wreckage trying to give closure to the families of 35 people still unaccounted for.  One of these brave, compassionate souls died over the weekend.  May he be remembered as a hero doing the right thing even when hope is gone.

Updates on 5/8.  Investigations showed that the ferry was overloaded with twice as much cargo, which was probably not properly secured.  A shifting load on a moving vessel is likely reason for the ship to list (Myth Busters had an episode on this).  The Korean government moved quickly to revoked the shipping company's license and arrest the CEO.  It was oddly reassuring.  We all need someone to blame when bad things happen.  I wonder if finding the root cause changes anything for the victims' families.  Nothing will bring back the lives lost.  But will they feel better to yell at someone?  Can they channel their anger to positive changes?

The Swiss cheese model says that an incident happens only if multiple safeguards fail simultaneously, engineering solutions, administrative control, human protection.  That is certainly the case here.  If the ship was designed to hold more cargo, if the scheduler paid attention to the weight of cargo being booked, if the workers are better trained to secure the cargo, if the captain made better decisions or was better trained.  For so many things to go wrong, there must have been something seriously broken in the corporate culture.  Swift justice in this case seems more than justified.  If it seems like a case of guilty until proven innocent, so be it.  Some people do not deserve the benefit of doubt.

Right vs. Wrong

When I was young, the world was black and white  I knew what was right and what was wrong.  I liked to debate my position, because  I knew I was right.  I enjoyed being right.

I miss that world.

As I grew older, things started appearing in all shades of gray.  Sometimes, every single decision available is wrong.  Sometimes, they are all right, depending on the view point. 

We can regret a decision in the past.
We can look for justification to feel righteous about our decisions.
We cannot change the past.  We can only walk down the path that opened up because of the decisions we made.   We can never know what lies on that other path that closed.

Look forward, don't look back.
We are who we are because of the decisions we made.
Be true to yourself.
Be happy.
We are OK.

Climate Change is about Many Things

It is about physics, biology, technology, and critically it is about society

- John Connor, CEO, The Climate Institute (forward of "Moving Below Zero: Understanding Bioenergy with Carbon Capture and Storage)

Today's story of climate change is a human story.  The imbalance we’ve created affects us all and the impacts of a warming planet will be increasingly felt in all aspect of our lives. Importantly, we are the only ones who can make a difference.  The solutions to climate change do exist – in policy, science, industry, technology and communities around the country and the world.  Finding them will call on the best in all of us to meet the challenges we face together, and dare us to take a different, but no less rewarding path.

http://www.climateinstitute.org.au/who-we-are.html
(accessed 4/29/2014)

It's all about winning

The news this morning featured a local high school debate.  As it turns out, debate is not about making the best point of the most elegant argument anymore.  Instead, it is about quantity of arguments: cramming as many arguments as possible into the allotted time by (1) speed reading to find facts quickly and (2) fast talking - really fast, like 350 words a minute.

The result: the average person can not figure out a thing they are saying.

The evolution of the speed reading/fast talking technique stems from the recognition that a debater is more likely to win if the opponent simply does not have enough time to rebut all his arguments.  Apparently, the debaters run drills like putting a pencil between the teeth to learn to talk that way.  One writer complained that a debater is literally foaming at his mouth talking this way.  Eeeek.

Life has taught me that it is not about the number of arguments being made.  In dealing with bosses, co-workers, clients, family, spouse, kids, what we need to do is to make that ONE argument that convinces the person we are talking to.  It is not about presenting 100 arguments, including the one that makes sense to the person.  They would have stopped listening long before they can be convinced.  It is about listening and understanding enough to know which one argument to make and how to make it.  Quantity is not relevant, quality is.

Sonia Sotomayer, in her book "My Beloved Life," recounted a speech she made in a speech competition (Chapter 13).  It is a masterful little 5-7 minute speech.  It made a single thought-provoking point, challenging us to treat each other like human beings and not statistics.  That is quality speech!

Debates just don't seem relevant any more.  Talking fast is not a useful skill in life, at least not in my professional and cultural circles.  Getting the facts straight?  Well, look at the political debates.  The average audience does not care.  There are enough context and caveats that the truth is useless to rebut wrong facts.  Speed reading might be a helpful skill when a deadline is looming and there are a million reports to review.  But a friend who speed reads ran out of interesting material to read quickly.

So why?  All the speed reading and fast talking seem to be to win at one specific type of competition that is judged by a very strange group of people who can understand English at 350 words a minute.  As an average person, maybe I can slow down the speech and try to understand the argument if the topic is of interest.

My five-year old wants to play a game with me but throws a fit every time he loses.  Can we grow up enough to look beyond winning?

Toilet reading

Studies have shown a connection between toilet reading and hemorrhoids.

The theory, dating back to a 1974 study, is that prolonged toilet sitting during which the anus is relaxed, followed by repeated straining, irritates the tissues surrounding the rectum that help control bowel movements, called anal cushions. This can lead to hemorrhoids, or inflamed veins in this area.

A study published in The Lancet in 1989 reported that patients with hemorrhoids were more than twice likely to read on the toilet. A study from 1995 in the journal Colon & Rectum found that 40 percent of patients with benign anorectal disease read on the toilet. And a 2009 study published in Neurogastroenterology & Motility also found hemorrhoids sufferers more likely to be toilet readers.

What's not clear, however, is whether prolonged toilet sitting causes hemorrhoids, or is the result of this. 

To me, reading (now on mobile device in addition to books or magazines) is a necessary condition to facilitate solid waste generation.  The toilet has always been a private, quiet, and peaceful place to read.  Growing up as a middle kid sharing a bedroom with other siblings, the toilet is the only place I can close the door and be alone, lost in a book.  My parents used to say that I studied history on the toilet.  讀史書, is a pun because the middle word has the same pronunciation in Cantonese as poo.  When I did not reduce my time spent in response to the teasing, mom got serious and told me about hemorrhoids resulting from too much toilet sitting. 

Mom is a genius!

I am an individual - together we change the world

Each and every day, we made decisions as an individual.

- A driver slows and gawks at an accident on the other side of the freeway.
- A customer asks for a stack of plates to go with his Costco pizza.
- A couple decides to buy a house in Antioch despite a longer commute.

Decisions are made considering our circumstances, our feelings, and the effect on ourselves.  We are not trained to think about the cumulative effect as many decisions are made under the same environment.  We assumed the environment will stay constant as we change.  Guess what?  Our collective decisions change our environment!

- Drivers slow and gawk at an accident on the other side of the freeway - now we have a traffic jam on this side.  Or worse, they are rear ended by others who were not expecting them to slow.
- Costco has instigated a 5-plate-per-pizza limit, or else they will have to raise the pizza price for everyone.
- Thousands of families made the same decision to buy their houses in Antioch.  Highway 4 reaches capacity and the commute takes twice as long.

We, as a group, have changed what we thought to be constant.  If the driver had known he would be rear-ended by slowing down, would he?  If the customer knows the pizza price has to rise, would he ask for the extra plates when he can just pick up a bunch from Costco anyways?  If the commuter knew the commute was 2 hours instead of one, would he buy the house farther away?

Once we make a decision, regret is pointless.  So the question is, how come we don't think of our impact on the broader environment when we make a decision?

The simple answer may be that we are not trained to do so.  As children, we a taught a curriculum.  As adults, we work within a job description.  Studies after studies have shown that exceptional people have a will (and the ability) to change their environment.  Steve Jobs is famous for his "reality distortion field."  But that vision sometimes motivates others to make that distorted version a reality after all.

It is not necessarily a good thing, however.  Many teenagers believe that they can change the rules, only to get into trouble breaking the rules. 

The majority of us muddle through life doing what we "are supposed to do."  Like Elsa in Frozen, "be the good girl you always have to be."  Is that satisfying?

Some of us are swept along by life and feel powerless to change.  Some become bitter and hopeless...

Maybe I don't belong to the truly exceptional group.  But I am also fortunate enough to have (or stupid enough to believe I have) some power to control my destiny, especially when I can work with a group of like-minded people.  How do I transform my muddling self to something more?

Flight 370, Korean Ferry, Statistics

Our hearts go out to families of victims of tragedies like the missing Malaysian flight or the Korean Ferry.  Lives lost, prematurely.  The anguish of families shown in the news.  It's almost like we can relate and put ourselves in the shoes, and feel their pain.

Maybe we are just secretly relieved that it didn't happen to us.  Afterall, what are the statistical odds that a ferry sinks, or a plane crashes?

Everyday, thousands of kids die because of a lack of basic necessities like food and clean water.  We don't mourn them.  They don't catch the newspaper's headlines.  We don't relate to the anguish of those parents who have to watch their kids wither away starving or sick because there is no food or clean water.  We don't?  Or we can't?  Or we don't want to?  Maybe we are just secretly relieved that it didn't happen to us.

Unless we are more careful with our water resources, the day will come when clean water can no longer be considered a cheap commodity.  Hopefully, I won't live to see that.  

P.S. Today is Earth Day.  A fitting time to do my tiny little share - made a donation to an organization called "DigDeepWater," whose noble mission is to "defend water access as a human right."

Emotions

"I am the one who should die." A quote from a parent of a missing teenager still trapped in the Korean ferry brought tears to my eyes.  I have always maintained that the range of emotions was the biggest surprise that comes with being a mom.  It was almost like the amplifier was turned on and all of a sudden, happy moments become happier and sad moments become sadder.  And then there is so much fear.  I look at my child at night, and pray that nothing would happen to him.  Thoughts drift in, "what might I do without this little brat", and get banished ruthlessly - that is what the left brain does.

There is a saying "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."  I am not so sure - maybe I am just not a romantic.  Or maybe I am not strong enough.  Till death do us part - hopefully it will be mine.  After all, I choose a younger guy to be my hubby to work the statistics in my favor...

Today's the day 4/10/2014

Today's the day when I start capturing my own thoughts in writing.  Sometimes, the things that pop into my head seem more profound and worthy of a second thought, but there is seldom time to dwell on things like "the middle ground is a lonely place to be" or "yak shaving."  Maybe in a few years, I will look back and have a few good laughs, remembering things that are otherwise lost in the files of the brain.

BTW, I was only partially yak shaving that day when I re-imaged my computer to re-install Aspen to test SimSinter, which is part of FOQUS...