Everything happens for a reason

This is the hardest part about faith.  Every religion points to an all powerful, all knowing God, who has a plan that mere mortals cannot understand and should not question.  If we believe in a merciful God, then everything happens for the best.


I want to believe in a merciful God.  But my little brain simply can't see what good can come out of a mass shooting or what good can come out of a mother starving her 5 year-old so that the poor child weighs 19 lbs.  The shooter will face his judgment, the mother may yet have a chance to repent.  Those outcome do not bother me.  The 14 lives that were taken, and the one that maybe permanently damaged bother me a lot.  Was that part of God's plan?  Are these deaths and suffering better than the alternative? For the victims or someone else?  In the little girl's case, will an eternity in heaven even compensate for 5 years of abuse in the hands of the person who is supposed to love her the most?  My small human brain does not have the capacity to understand God's love and His plan, so instead, it is grappling with concepts of justice, fairness, and simple human emotions of sadness and anger.


Humans are given free will.  Children cannot exercise their free will.  That makes the responsibility of parents and caregivers so much greater.  We are the ones to safeguard not only our own souls but also to fill the souls of those in our care with love, happiness and positive emotions.  This is what I can control.  I choose to believe my free will to prioritize this responsibility matters in the long run.    I have to believe that if humans spread our love and our positive attitude, we can prevent those situations where people are senselessly killed or little kids are tortured.  God has mercy on us to let our efforts and our love lead to good things.

Lessons of Inside Out

8/15/2015

Inside Out was supposed to be about how a little girl deals with a big family move.  The movie is thought provoking in many ways.

All parents wish their kids will grow up happy.  We all like to be happy and be around happy people.  Optimistic people make popular leaders and are perceived to be more successuful. We teach our kids to think positive and to look on the bright side.  At some point this wish becomes an expectation, or at least as perceived by kids.

We have already heard that kids are more likely to post positive updates on social media and hide setbacks.  When all we see is other people's achievements and none of their challenges, it is difficult to normalize our own trials that others do not seem to face.  This leads to feelings of inadequacy and may lead to other self esteem issues.

Some people are naturally more optimistic than others.  Our desire to project optimism may lead us to hide our other emotions, such as sadness, fear, anger.  Our inability to admit these less positive feelings into our consciousness may lead to stress and bad decisions.

There are circumstances in life where no matter how hard we try, we cannot see a bright side.  That is okay.  Even happy memories sometimes have regretful aspects.  Being sad or fearful temporarily does not define us.  Hopefully we can look back and see that these circumstances do as much to define us as the happy occasions do.  The important thing is to let the emotions out.  Once we are done being disgusted, sad or angry, we can move on, and the joyous emotion will have a chance to come to the foreground again.

Our lives are not perfect.  If happy is the only emotion, we might cease to feel it at some point.  In fact, if we bury any one of our emotions too deep, we risk becoming adept at not feeling anything.  Some may argue that being logical like Spock is the ultimate goal for a cerebral human being.  But a being that does not experience emotions is synonymous with a sociopath.  We need ALL our emotions to live a full life.

Ultimately, the core values is what we are made off.  They may temporarily disappear but will come back if we have nurtured those values: family/love, fun/humor, honesty, friendship, passion.  The content and context of our memories will change, but will not be destroyed.  

One unrelated thought, the sacrifice of the imaginary friend brought tears to my eyes.  Yes, this is not a new theme, friends making sacrifices to help friends.  But doing so knowing that the not only will the act remain unknown, but your friend will also forget you - that is a true friend.  

Finally, in the credits, it was mentioned that the film was dedicated to the kids, and the parent's wish that they won't grow up.  This seems to be a humorous way of saying we as parents wish we can always be there for them, have the power to help them, and be allowed to help them, when they have to deal with challenges or are just sad.  Since that is impossible, I wish my kid will grow up with the strength to overcome.  May joy never be extinguished.

Fear of growing old

My 5-10/12 year old is getting a little bud of a permanent tooth behind his baby front tooth.  Hubby and I both reacted, "our son is growing up." and I added "there is nothing like your child growing up to remind you that your are growing old."

Some days, I feel like that is the most important thing.  Watching my son grow up and making sure he gets the best mommy that I can be.  Maybe that is the only thing I feel can be in my control anymore.  It is not fair, because in doing so, I am also focused on the time limit we have together.  I am reminded day after day that I am not growing any younger.  I would rather be looking forward to something in the shorter term.  I don't want to be reminded about growing old as my son grows up.  But these are two sides of the same coin, aren't they?

There was an article that talked about a boy wanting to disguise his voice and height because of a fear of  growing up.  Experts think that the boy ultimate fears growing old and the inevitability of death.  It is a sad story.  We all fear growing old.  Perhaps not as much dying as somehow becoming less than what we are and having to depend on help, being a burden to someone, or worse, living when there is no one left to care.  I think most people simply learn to put it out of their mind, because worrying doesn't help anything in this case.

I remember being depressed about the inevitability of the end of humanity as a teenager.  I cited the Sun's explosion as an ultimate end of the Earth.  Some might argue that humans will have emigrated from Earth long before that.  I now fear that we, in our greed to consume, has put our planet on a course to become less able to sustain the human population in a short century or two.  Some might also argue that we still have time.  But with a lack of consensus and a lack of action, it is hard for me to be optimistic.  Thank goodness I won't see the worst of it.  I will be long gone.  But I will go with the regret that it is my generation who failed.  Being one who have recognized the problem, it was my failure not to be able to rally my peers to do something, anything about it.  Am I resigned to that already?  How can I help?????

While the world at large is turning a blind eye, we can make sure that our offspring can adapt.  We can make sure that he has the financial ability to move or to procure energy and water that may no longer come cheap in the future.  I feel bad that I cannot prepare my son to have no empathy for the suffering of the masses - I cannot compromise my own principles, but he might be happier if he can ignore the suffering of those who have no access to clean water or abundant food.  I cannot solve those problems.  What can I do???

We all fear growing old.  Many adults go under the knife to preserve their beauty.  Some ladies preserve their fertility.  What I fear is not going old.  I fear being helpless.  Babies are helpless too but they don't know it.  So maybe I associate growing old as a sense of acceptance of the helplessness.  It is much like when Susan Hobb wrote that suicide is not the opposite of life, but the opposite of choice.  If there is nothing more I can do to be useful in this world, won't I be better off somewhere else.  It is not fair to my family if they are my only raison d'etre.  I need to do something...

P.S.  I don't intend for anyone to see these not-so-positive thoughts.  But to my family, if you ever read this, I love you.  Always.

Middle age health

I hate being middle aged.

Problems that are associated with youth don't go away and takes on new meaning.  

Don't laugh.  Being in your forties and struggling with acne seems to be a subject of jokes.  Most people are worried about age spots and wrinkles at this point.  Luckily products that are suppose to work for acne also works for wrinkles.  When I was in my twenties I used to get exasperated when medical insurance won't cover my acne medicines because others use it for cosmetic reasons.  Now I can take advantage of both benefits myself.

Don't laugh, being in your forties and thinking about braces is not just vanity.  Ther is a real possibility that we will live till old.  Do we want to keep our own teeth for as long as we can?  I was fortunatate that there were no major issues with my teeth to warrant that as a teenager.  Back then, it was for looks.  Now, it is really for dental health.  Maybe I will be pleased with my smile and smile more. Who knows.?  Or maybe I can die with a nice set of teeth if I don't live beyond them.

Then there are problems associated with growing old.

White hair.  I am my stylist best customer.  Routine appointment every 6 weeks.  And I keep them.  They say once you start dyeing your hair you can't stop.  That is true.  I don't want to find out how much white has been covered.  I don't want to explain half white half black strands.  Maybe when I am ready for white hair I can shve my head in support of cancer patients, raise some money, and then let the hair grow back in all its silver glory.

Then there is the eye checkups and glaucoma prevention.  Do I or don't I have risk factors?  Is my peripheral vision degrading or is it just bad?  I can do the field of vision tests.  I am just never sure and second guesses myself all the time. Did I see it or am I imagining it?  It reminds me of the hearing test that I failed when I was four.  Same doubts same feelings.  Christine said I might be too cerebral for these test, which relies on instinctive response.  That might be a nice excuse.  I also apparently have a twitchy eyeball, which I can't keep still for a 4-second retina scan.  Dr Lucia San used to say my eyes are 'active'. I wonder if that is what she meant.  In any case, I can't work with a technician whose response was "you moved.  We'll have to do it again."  Over and over again.  She may be prepared to keep doing it until she gets a different result.  I don't think much of that possibility given that I wasn't consciously moving.  So I quit, but not before she awoke all my feelings of inadequacies that I thought buried deep deep inside.  I even had a nightmare about singing a solo and some music director said 'you didn't do it right - do it again.'  I have to believe that we can do things with conscious practice.  But I can't stop involuntary movements and if the test is not compatible, I don't need to subject myself to the humiliation.